Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Product Review - Secret Clinical Strength Deodorant

Ok ladies, this one is for you. Guys, prepare to laugh, and for my friends, here is some ammunition when you've run out of things to make fun of me about.

Around my circle of friends, I'm known as the 'delicate flower' of the group. I'm feminine, squeamish with gross topics that men find funny, and wear pink on a daily basis. I am your all around girly-girl. However, I also ride horses, play tennis and volleyball, and have been known to cut down trees and brush on some acreage my family owns a little up north.

While most women claim that women don't sweat, we 'glow', I simply roll my eyes and make a mental note to proclaim loudly, "Look! She's glowing!" while a woman is in childbirth or even walking around in the Southern part of my world's blistering heat. Texan women don't glow. We don't glisten. We don't have vapors. Heck, we don't even slightly perspire.

We sweat. As my mother recently commented: "We sweat like turkeys at a turkey barn who are being chased around the turkey pen by a guy named Albert with a hatchet similar in size to the one Daniel Boone used while fighting off the indians."

Yes, your very own Ms Judgemental is a perspiring bucket of body coolant, yet somehow extremely sexy woman. And I am darn proud of my sweatiness, thank you. However, while it is appropriate to sweat during a work out, as your body is cooling itself down and burning off the fats and starches you ate earlier (remember that bowl of pasta? No wonder you smell like garlic!), with the average human body containing around 2 million sweat glands. Here is a little excerpt I know my readers will find fascinating:

"There is also a difference in the chemical elements when we perspire. Perspiration that is produced through the Aprocrine glands, or in the armpit, will be thicker and perhaps have a yellowish color. This is because it contains fatty acids and proteins. It is this type of sweat under the arms, coupled with antiperspirants, which can turn clothing yellow. Notice when we apply deodorants it is only to the armpits, in order to counteract the smell of the Aprocrine sweat. Sweat is actually odorless, but when it starts to decompose and is attacked by bacteria, the smell can be unpleasant." (source: www.wisegeek.com/why-do-we-sweat.htm)

The result: You stink. Your underarms stink. Body odor is not an alluring scent that will attract Prince Charming from miles away. And while I hate to admit it, sometimes my sweat is a bit 'undelicate'. (Hangs head in shame)

One afternoon I ventured out to the Big Box store for my every few months personal product supply stockup. After weaving in and out of aisles, I found myself standing in front of a 10 foot long, 5 foot wide section of sparkly plastic tubes and aerosol cans of deodorant. Vanilla Sunrise or Banana Origami? Clear? Solid? The possibilities were endless. In their attempt to confuse us even more with thousands of powder white to clear gooey scented sticks, deodorant companies have now come out with another fantastic product guaranteed to leave one frolicking in the forest with unicorns while wearing a dress made out of lavendar and jasmine. And sadly, no unicorns visited me in the forest, and my dress fell apart. (Lavendar doesn't glue well.) However, as bright colors always do, a yellow "New!" tag on a white box caught my eye:

Deodorant in a box? At the Big Box Store? For the price of $5.99? Hm, this could be interesting. Being unhappy with my current smelly stick and not feeling springtime fresh like it promised me, I threw the box in my cart and resumed my shopping. With words like "Clinically proven", "Doctor Endorsed", an extra dollar to spend, and shiny colors on the box, maybe it was worth a try.

The following day I got up, performed my womanly duties with soaps, creams, goos, gels, grunts and groans, and decided to give the stuff a try. I noticed absolutely nothing extraordinary during the day, despite lifting my arm to see if hydrangea and baby powder would pop out of my armpit glands. I did smell fresh and clean, however. Riding would be a good test that night.

I went riding. I sweat. My body ached with a strenuous workout. But the pits were still fresh and clean, even thought I had drops of sweat running down my back. Was this a fluke? Did I sweep that much on? I did notice a bit of white residue on my shirt, so I figured I had been overcompensating in the past with my 'unclinical' stick. I tested the product the following day, using less. I played volleyball after work that evening and still smelled fresh. No residue, either.

This was too good to be true! Sure, my hair was sticky, and I sweat as much as I normally do, but I didn't have the nasty feeling that I once felt with my regular product. I felt less stale, less disgusting when we went out to eat afterwards.

6 months later, I am still using the Clinical Strength stuff, using less than I once did with the regular sticks. No, I haven't seen a unicorn in the forest yet, but Texas has lost the battle with one stinky woman, who now smells powder fresh.

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